ive sort of neglected this site for the month of february.... school and work have been sort of kicking my ass, and ive somehow acquired 20 more hobbies in the past month than normal? im down to functionally only one day off a week, and um.... i hate it! thank god for governement holidays for giving me a moment to catch up and take a break for once.

my spring semester classes have started this week, its my second to last semester and im anxious to get them over with. once classes kick up i will probably have less time to dedicate to this site, but hopefully ill still get to it in some ways. im currently playing with the idea of trying to get something major accomplished each month (personal projects wise), and for the month of january ive been trying to update this site and get it to a point where its not in absolute shambles. i think so far ive made good progress! i still have a long ways to go for the more ~fun~ pages, but its more complete now than it was before. im hoping i can update the journal, art, and iceberg pages sometime soon. i have a trip to austin later this week that is going to probably mess with some of my progress, but so be it. january has gone by insanely quickly but not quick enough, im sick of the cold already.

well, i made it back from my trip to Austin! the whole purpose of going down there was to see one of my favorite bands (Black Eyes). the scheduling was sort of a mess, i had originally planned to go to a different show the same night in Dallas and had actually already bought tickets for it, but then found out about the Black Eyes show and knew it was likely i wouldnt have another chance to see them. theyre from DC and broke up in 2004 (way before i even learned about them in 2016); they did a few shows there last year but there were several things preventing me from traveling halfway across the country to see them. seeing that they were going to be in Austin was a like...... "well i HAVE to go" thing for me (esp since the only other shows were in DC again and California)

im incredibly happy things worked out so that i could go see them. i had to go down to Austin and the show on my own, which is smth im not usually a huge fan of doing but i honestly really enjoyed the whole trip. i went to Waterloo records while i was down there and managed to somehow only find one CD to buy. theres a few different CDs ive been trying to find for a while but it was a bust in that department, and i didnt look through the records as much as i wanted to because of needing to get food before the show. its fine though that i saved money at Waterloo cause i wound up buying a record, shirt and zine at the show (pic below, shirt was in the wash lol). im looking forward to reading the zine, theres not many bands that interest me enough to want to read abt the history of them and Black Eyes holds such a unique place (pic of first page inculuded as well)

the show was incredible on its own, im honestly sort of at a loss for words to describe the experience. i wish i had gotten a picture of how the stage was set up cause it was maybe the most crowded thing ive ever seen; having to split the space between ~2.5 drum sets (and 2 mics, and other equipment) is insane. hell, four people drumming at once is crazy, but its maybe the most moving thing ive ever seen at a show weirdly enough. also when they played Deformative.... idk thats gonna be with me for a while. incredible band, incredible show. im so glad i was able to experience them live :')

so um, lol but i am making big changes to this site. ive been really struggling with coming up with ideas (for particularly the home page, but also just in general) and ive honestly self imposed a lot of design limits on myself without purpose. while browsing Neocities i noticed there really just a few different genres of page layouts and ive been trying to challenge myself to think outside the box with my own site...... it has been working to varying degrees LOL but really just made me dislike working on my site at all. i think im going to stick with this limit for now, but also try to mold it to the ideas that come to mind fr me. so far its looking like a total site rebuild but, that seems to be what i like to do the best so its no biggie. i also just need to do a complete overhaul on some of the pages cause i did them as fast as possible w the intention of finishing them later and well.......... they look sloppy

i plan on making more additions to the site overall, check out the to-do section for what i have planned. i hope i will have the time and motivation to get these done within a reasonable amount of time, but we will see! as usual, pls bear w me as i bang my hands against the keyboard like an ape

TLDR; whole lot of site changes coming, plz b kind

to be completely honest, the original motivation behind me making a neocities was Hypnospace Outlaw ⧉ LOL. i dont remember almost any oldweb stuff apart from a gag candy website that my brother used to beg our mom to let him get stuff from; i really only used the computer to play shit like Jumpstart so i never got exposed to anything on the web until later when ig facebook started getting huge. oh and vampirefreaks but like. that was a pedophile museum

anyways, i 100% Hypnospace in april of last year, and even though i played it completely wrong the first time through, my second playthrough i took my time and enjoyed seeing all the sites made by its denizens. it made me nostalgic for oldweb stuff even though i had never been apart of it. i probably saw a tumblr post not long after that about neocities and what it was, and then proceeded from there.

this account sat abandoned until august of this year though, i didnt remember any of the html i had learned in school and css was almost completely foriegn to me so i immediately got frustrated with trying to figure out how to make stuff look good. and lol i didnt realize i had to hard refresh my page to see changes. but i came back from visiting family and was suddenly possessed to figure all this out, so here we are.

i know this website is going to go through a fuck ton of changes, but hopefully i can make it into a nice corner of the internet for myself :3

cross posted from my tumblr, og post is here ⧉ contains spoilers for Bunny by Mona Awad

ive got thots about bunny by mona awad i need to repeat like 50000 times to get them off my mind

first of all . people really gotta like. gain reading comprehension or at least some sort of threshold for any weirdness at all im just completely mind boggled by the general reception to this book being like �augh its so weird and crazy� girl no its not. i know my own threshold for weird/fucked content is fucking batshit compared to the common man but bunny to me is so clearly about repressed desires and also jealousy to some degree like. it was pointed out to me my read of this book was completely cronenbergian but like . YEAH

like samantha is so insanely repressed and also ashamed of of what she creates she goes on and on and on about the Bunnies being pink and pristine and PRAISED for everything they do and she hates it cause she can tell they are being fake about it meanwhile shes doing the same thing (being fake in a different way) andbeing like . ostracized for it

she gets so lonely after the lion cuts her off that she accidentally turns a swan into her soulmate through thinking at it hard enough about her desires and then she accidentally does it again when looking at a stag and creates a version of herself that everyone wants/likes and is not afraid to speak his mind.

and both those things happen to be what the Bunnies are trying and failing to do bc ??? idk their hearts arent in the right place and theyre trying to create something for use and not as an expression of actual feelings and thats why they fail? (like a reflection of their writing; theyre trying to make something to please others and a weird like . reflection of beauty ? thats entirely made up and objective. its one dimensional and flat so their Darlings r one dimensional and flat and cannot serve a complex purpose)

Ava comes into being bc sam wants to be understood and not left alone ever again and max comes into being bc the Bunnies essentially cut her off from Ava and she feels like shes failing at what they want from her and she wants them to like her even though she dislikes them and because shes incapable of saying what she actually feels

sams in a cycle of seeking approval from people she dislikes and then doesnt get it and its clearly having some effect on her considering it seemingly obliterates her ability to write?? but then the Bunnies inadvertently snap her back to reality by killing Ava and ill be real the ending is just sorta There for me i dont entirely care about the fact that sam like. Realizes she has to actual work for her desires and happiness or whatever and comes to her senses about how dumb seeking approval from the Bunnies is

its just. desire corrupts but it also creates and transforms and a lot of in universe talk mentions like The Process and its like. yeah. creation. complex topic with a lot of bullshit im losing my thoughts now im going to wind up talking in circles