once again this site has taken backseat to everything else. partially because every time i try to work on it, i feel the overwhelming need to start over from scratch. i really need to just pull the trigger and sit down and work on it, but bc its going to be a lot of changes i just keep avoiding it lmao. i have the free time for once but i rarely have the motivation to work on much. ive started to try to make myself do do small projects when i know they will only take like an hour tops instead of just letting them sit there for another several years, and ive had moderate success. maybe i need to apply that to working on this dumbo site.

in other news, i was forced to suddenly replace my phone due to it getting stuck in a reboot loop lmfao. switching everything over was nightmarish without access to anything on the old phone and so ive lost about 3 months or so of photos. all things considered it could be a lot worse, im glad i had backed up any photos at all. i think ive decided to basically start a fresh camera roll with this new phone. im going to try and go through the old backups at some point to weed out what i really need to keep; and maybe ill even try to do more frequent backups of my camera roll to avoid this in the future. tbh i cant rememeber what most of the pics i lost were, i did some a mall walkthrough and theres a couple other pics i wish i hadnt lost, but everything else is a mystery. it is what it is though, nothing i can do about it now.

of course also we went to the state fair yesterday. hoping i can go again later in the month but we will see how that pans out. dont care much for the rides but we did try three different foods while we were out there. the cotton candy bacon was good but couldve been better if the bacon was saltier, the taquitos were the most refreshing thing i think ive ever eaten, and the fried burnt ends were sooo fucking good. desperately need more of them stat.

tldr: this site is not a priority, but it is not going to be abandoned either

even though i have nothing happening at all at the moment (quit my job at the end of May; no summer classes this year) ive been doing a whole lot of nothing for the past month or so. i really did intend to update a lot of things on this site, but once i sat down to work on things i realized i sort of......... really want to change the whole site lmao. i have a bad habit of looking at other sites for inspiration, wanting to do my own twist on what i find/change things to match my coding skills, and then realizing after the fact i dont really care all that much for what ive spent time working on. my other bad habit is to come up with ideas, and then not have the energy to make or find graphic components i might need. so as such, nothing has been updated.

i am aware that this is a personal site, and there is literally no pressure to update it at all; i dont even know if anyone checks anything at all that i post (and it doesnt matter either!). but i really do want to get back into updating this site, it feels like a failure almost that ive lost motivation to keep working on it.

its undeniably frustrating though that i go from being basically burnt out/overstimulated by the amount of things in my daily schedule, to so understimulated that i cant do anything at all even when i want to. i can sit there for hours thinking about how badly i want to get up and just draw or play a game, but cant get myself to move at all. sometimes i'll even move to my desk and boot up my computer to start working on something, and realize some part of the thing i want to do is bigger than i realize, and then i just sit there thinking about how much i have to deviate from the idea of sitting down and Just Working. it seems like 80% of my time is spent thinking about how i could be doing some other task that i actually want to do, but never can actually get up and do it.

i really would like to be able to work on things again. ive made some irl acquaintances that i admire a considerable amount for the number of projects they take on. its not even a huge or crazy amount of things, but it seems like they are always working on or doing something on top of what their day-to-day life entails, and im? envious? i guess? i know everyone has their own speed and you cant see what goes on in other's heads, but it feels like theres a literal blocked off area in my brain that keeps me from doing most things other people can do easily. im tired of just thinking all the time and not being able to do

jesus christ man
needless to say, this site (amongst other things) has taken a backseat to other priorities. im hoping that once my school semester ends in May i will be able to catch up on a lot of things ive neglected. so far this year ive only been able to do movie night w the boyz once, something that was a 90% weekly occurance last year, if that tells you anything about how things have been going. working full time and going to school is um. annoying as fuck? my life has become work -> play stardew valley to try and decompress -> capstone -> sleep. ive got a to do list of like 200 things to play/read/watch/make once i finally have free time. i wont get into it any further, but i am counting down the days.
and now, a mini to-do for this site to eventually look forward to: finish the updates page update, figure out a better way to do this dumb status update, fix the marquee and edit the about page, remake the journal page again, rewrite book reviews, finish the art page disection, finish recomendations page, (and other misc stuff i am forgetting at the moment)
pls wish me luck in this last month with school, i hope everyone else similar positions is surviving rn too

ive sort of neglected this site for the month of february.... school and work have been sort of kicking my ass, and ive somehow acquired 20 more hobbies in the past month than normal? im down to functionally only one day off a week, and um.... i hate it! thank god for governement holidays for giving me a moment to catch up and take a break for once.

my spring semester classes have started this week, its my second to last semester and im anxious to get them over with. once classes kick up i will probably have less time to dedicate to this site, but hopefully ill still get to it in some ways. im currently playing with the idea of trying to get something major accomplished each month (personal projects wise), and for the month of january ive been trying to update this site and get it to a point where its not in absolute shambles. i think so far ive made good progress! i still have a long ways to go for the more ~fun~ pages, but its more complete now than it was before. im hoping i can update the journal, art, and iceberg pages sometime soon. i have a trip to austin later this week that is going to probably mess with some of my progress, but so be it. january has gone by insanely quickly but not quick enough, im sick of the cold already.

well, i made it back from my trip to Austin! the whole purpose of going down there was to see one of my favorite bands (Black Eyes). the scheduling was sort of a mess, i had originally planned to go to a different show the same night in Dallas and had actually already bought tickets for it, but then found out about the Black Eyes show and knew it was likely i wouldnt have another chance to see them. theyre from DC and broke up in 2004 (way before i even learned about them in 2016); they did a few shows there last year but there were several things preventing me from traveling halfway across the country to see them. seeing that they were going to be in Austin was a like...... "well i HAVE to go" thing for me (esp since the only other shows were in DC again and California)

im incredibly happy things worked out so that i could go see them. i had to go down to Austin and the show on my own, which is smth im not usually a huge fan of doing but i honestly really enjoyed the whole trip. i went to Waterloo records while i was down there and managed to somehow only find one CD to buy. theres a few different CDs ive been trying to find for a while but it was a bust in that department, and i didnt look through the records as much as i wanted to because of needing to get food before the show. its fine though that i saved money at Waterloo cause i wound up buying a record, shirt and zine at the show (pic below, shirt was in the wash lol). im looking forward to reading the zine, theres not many bands that interest me enough to want to read abt the history of them and Black Eyes holds such a unique place (pic of first page inculuded as well)

the show was incredible on its own, im honestly sort of at a loss for words to describe the experience. i wish i had gotten a picture of how the stage was set up cause it was maybe the most crowded thing ive ever seen; having to split the space between ~2.5 drum sets (and 2 mics, and other equipment) is insane. hell, four people drumming at once is crazy, but its maybe the most moving thing ive ever seen at a show weirdly enough. also when they played Deformative.... idk thats gonna be with me for a while. incredible band, incredible show. im so glad i was able to experience them live :')

so um, lol but i am making big changes to this site. ive been really struggling with coming up with ideas (for particularly the home page, but also just in general) and ive honestly self imposed a lot of design limits on myself without purpose. while browsing Neocities i noticed there really just a few different genres of page layouts and ive been trying to challenge myself to think outside the box with my own site...... it has been working to varying degrees LOL but really just made me dislike working on my site at all. i think im going to stick with this limit for now, but also try to mold it to the ideas that come to mind fr me. so far its looking like a total site rebuild but, that seems to be what i like to do the best so its no biggie. i also just need to do a complete overhaul on some of the pages cause i did them as fast as possible w the intention of finishing them later and well.......... they look sloppy

i plan on making more additions to the site overall, check out the to-do section for what i have planned. i hope i will have the time and motivation to get these done within a reasonable amount of time, but we will see! as usual, pls bear w me as i bang my hands against the keyboard like an ape

TLDR; whole lot of site changes coming, plz b kind

to be completely honest, the original motivation behind me making a neocities was Hypnospace Outlaw ⧉ LOL. i dont remember almost any oldweb stuff apart from a gag candy website that my brother used to beg our mom to let him get stuff from; i really only used the computer to play shit like Jumpstart so i never got exposed to anything on the web until later when ig facebook started getting huge. oh and vampirefreaks but like. that was a pedophile museum

anyways, i 100% Hypnospace in april of last year, and even though i played it completely wrong the first time through, my second playthrough i took my time and enjoyed seeing all the sites made by its denizens. it made me nostalgic for oldweb stuff even though i had never been apart of it. i probably saw a tumblr post not long after that about neocities and what it was, and then proceeded from there.

this account sat abandoned until august of this year though, i didnt remember any of the html i had learned in school and css was almost completely foriegn to me so i immediately got frustrated with trying to figure out how to make stuff look good. and lol i didnt realize i had to hard refresh my page to see changes. but i came back from visiting family and was suddenly possessed to figure all this out, so here we are.

i know this website is going to go through a fuck ton of changes, but hopefully i can make it into a nice corner of the internet for myself :3

cross posted from my tumblr, og post is here ⧉ contains spoilers for Bunny by Mona Awad

ive got thots about bunny by mona awad i need to repeat like 50000 times to get them off my mind

first of all . people really gotta like. gain reading comprehension or at least some sort of threshold for any weirdness at all im just completely mind boggled by the general reception to this book being like �augh its so weird and crazy� girl no its not. i know my own threshold for weird/fucked content is fucking batshit compared to the common man but bunny to me is so clearly about repressed desires and also jealousy to some degree like. it was pointed out to me my read of this book was completely cronenbergian but like . YEAH

like samantha is so insanely repressed and also ashamed of of what she creates she goes on and on and on about the Bunnies being pink and pristine and PRAISED for everything they do and she hates it cause she can tell they are being fake about it meanwhile shes doing the same thing (being fake in a different way) andbeing like . ostracized for it

she gets so lonely after the lion cuts her off that she accidentally turns a swan into her soulmate through thinking at it hard enough about her desires and then she accidentally does it again when looking at a stag and creates a version of herself that everyone wants/likes and is not afraid to speak his mind.

and both those things happen to be what the Bunnies are trying and failing to do bc ??? idk their hearts arent in the right place and theyre trying to create something for use and not as an expression of actual feelings and thats why they fail? (like a reflection of their writing; theyre trying to make something to please others and a weird like . reflection of beauty ? thats entirely made up and objective. its one dimensional and flat so their Darlings r one dimensional and flat and cannot serve a complex purpose)

Ava comes into being bc sam wants to be understood and not left alone ever again and max comes into being bc the Bunnies essentially cut her off from Ava and she feels like shes failing at what they want from her and she wants them to like her even though she dislikes them and because shes incapable of saying what she actually feels

sams in a cycle of seeking approval from people she dislikes and then doesnt get it and its clearly having some effect on her considering it seemingly obliterates her ability to write?? but then the Bunnies inadvertently snap her back to reality by killing Ava and ill be real the ending is just sorta There for me i dont entirely care about the fact that sam like. Realizes she has to actual work for her desires and happiness or whatever and comes to her senses about how dumb seeking approval from the Bunnies is

its just. desire corrupts but it also creates and transforms and a lot of in universe talk mentions like The Process and its like. yeah. creation. complex topic with a lot of bullshit im losing my thoughts now im going to wind up talking in circles